Friday, October 05, 2007

I'm going to get in trouble

Have you ever had one of those moments where you know something is going to go spectacularly wrong? I just did. I'm not even sure how to deal with it, so I'm just listening to calming music and trying to ignore my own neuroses. I'm probably just being paranoid.

Aren't I?

My (former?) best friends haven't been around lately. I mean, it's totally understandable. They go to public school, and I go to private school. They're seniors, and they're totally busy with college applications and enjoying their senior year and whatnot. I mean, I guess I'm pretty busy too, since junior year is the most academically stressful year and I'm taking AP classes and also SAT prep courses and also I'm applying to college early because I hate my town and I hate my school and I hate my scene and I want to be as far away as possible, so I'm trying to go to California since I currently live on the east coast, but they can't make time for me. I can make time for them, but it isn't my senior year. I wouldn't understand. It's not as if they're sick of me. Being completely anxious about everything ever isn't enough to get you excommunicated from ALL of your friends.

It isn't, right?

I'm not sure how to feel. Usually, I can handle these feelings of stress or nervousness and take them in stride. But right now, sitting at my laptop with my green clay facemask that makes me look like the swamp thing, in a pink, button-down pajama shirt with sheep on it and no pants (the shirt is four sizes too big), and my newly-short hair held back in a heinous headband that I only wear when I put on said green facemask, feeling friendless and scared of life, I'm not exactly brimming with confidence.

I'm seriously usually not like this. I'm even known for being unflappable. I'm sturdy. I just joke about everything, and that means I'm okay with it. I guess I'm just in a weird mood.

If anyone reads this, leave a comment? It's strangely comforting to know that complete strangers can see the thoughts I can't bring to mention to my best friends, parents, or sister.